There For Myself = There By Myself ... Or Not

Prelude and Catharsis

I'm not over you. I'm never over you. I will always, always, feel about you the way I felt when we were together. The fact that we were never together, is part of the reason I often write songs. I never actually had you, I probably never will either. The difference isn't how I feel about you, it's how I choose to live with it. The difference is I'm not a coward and I don't run from my feelings, so telling you this I expect two things: Either you'll feel an aggrandizement that doesn't belong to you, or you'll be an uncomfortable wreck. This is why I don't specify who you are. Except, you know who you are... you're everyone I've ever met.

This pretty much summarizes my relationship to people. Everyone I've met, one way or another, I've fallen in love with them. They usually don't fall for me though. I've either felt pretty used or pretty stupid. This was the whole point of having a blog, to express those feelings I get all the time where the people around me make no sense. On the other hand, no matter how difficult or volatile I become, this period of my life has been characterized by some pretty strong support from hands I've never expected...

I'm grateful to you. Very much so. You're everything to me.

This is to the people who have been there for me, you know who you are. And if you're reading this, and feel like you're left out, then you'll know... you'll finally know for sure, that you weren't there for me, otherwise you'd identify with what I just said.

So to you who were there for me. Thank you.

The rest, I appreciate the effort, and even your lack thereof. If you circled my hemisphere that was enough for me. Was.

I launched my first blog due to the first person who hurt me immensely, then I launched disco stick because I felt about as used as a lube tube in an orgy by what I back then deemed a cold and heartless woman whom I now consider a joke. Eventually this blog became more about other people, people who became much more important to me. One of them though, who was crucial in some ways to this blog's development, is gone. I recall that, while I wrote this blog, there was only one other person in the world I truly felt was like me, got me, had a similar DNA code.

Now I know how unlike each other we are. And at first I felt very alone, and now I'm no longer wallowing. It was a dream, very much like a high school crush of a dream, to have someone so similar to me alive and breathing and surviving alongside me with all the perils of this universe. In my dream she was compassionate and caring, wounded but not damaged goods. In my dream she was a flower that kept wilting in the glare of flashlights, always afraid to stand in the sun because somehow she feared truly blooming. In my dream, the moment this flower touched the sun it would grow beautifully.

It's amazing how powerful the mind is, and how easily we over-embellish.

The one in my dream was everything I lived for in barely a few days. We never spoke too frankly because I never thought it necessary, and people like us, who I thought was "us", didn't need clear words, just clear motives and intentions. I thought she knew. So to her, the one in my dream, I dedicate this song.

To the real one, the one who she is, the one who turned off the light switch the moment dawn came, the one who dictates futures she can't dish out, the one who discards moments once they're over, who for all her worth can't treasure the good, the one who gives the front seat to the bad habits, the one who thrives in flashlights, the one who isn't like me, I respect you're someone else, I respect your life is something else, I agree you should find it, but I'm afraid I don't know you, and I'm sorry but this song is not actually for you.

Lucy

I've had more than my share of girlfriends,
and don't ever care to keep them for more than a year,
but tonight while safely asleep I've fallen into this dream
Where Lucy and I are together forever
A love far too good to be true

When I wake up
I wanna be happy
So don't forget me
When I wake up
I wanna be happy
So don't forget me

We socialize often times in our own corner of the party's audience
chatting with each other's exes and friends we made love with
circling the crowd, speaking very loud
So we can find each other, steal a kiss and cop a feel in front of everyone

At the end of the night we're stable
and able to keep things from falling apart

When I wake up
I wanna be happy
So don't forget me
When I wake up
I wanna be happy
So don't forget me

I feel my heart tickin' away like a clock
Feel my heart tickin' away like a clock
Feel my heart tickin' away like a clock
My heartbeat's tickin' away like a clock
Feel my heart tickin' away to an alarming end
To an alarming end

When I wake up
I wanna be happy
So don't forget me
When I wake up
I wanna be happy
So don't forget me

You can listen to it here. Thank you to members of the band Acronym, particularly my good friend Michelangelo for lending me their talented hands, the instrumentation is rough but still exactly what I envisioned. And yes, that is me singing, as you can see I'm not exactly the singing type but, well hell, you know how it is.

Now for the ending:

I'm going to do a blog makeover. I guess it's time. Welcome new phase of my life. So I'm going to write a goodbye letter to Disco Stick.

Ahem,

Dear Disco Stick:

You were cute while you lasted, with your green hat and your lost clovers, but now you've stopped running after the rainbow and we must part ways. Once upon a time, before you became the Disco Stick, you were just the Nathan Satan, and he too was looking for the pot of gold.

It was lucky that both your forces didn't collide, that you Disco Stick could live without the devilish Demon, but eventually, you knew this day would come. Comedians eventually bow at the audience, tip their hats and head backstage.

It was a fun ride Disco Stick, I will miss your mellow ways, I will miss your girlfriend and her sister Mary Jane, I will miss the cocktail of pills and cheap thrills. Overall, it was a good run my friend, through you I met several girls of my life, lost some, kept some, learned some. I met some of the men of my life too. And like a justice scale, when I paid more attention to one side, the other one suffered for it.

I got it. Thank you Disco Stick, and even the elusive Nathan Satan. We'll probably see each other down the road, when I snap and become depressive or childish. But I think I found my balance. She and Him. They have a name. I might or might not know them. But once I do... Finder's keepers.

---

"The Times They Are A-Changing" - Bob Dylan